Wednesday, June 28, 2017
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Humour

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By Qainaat Aftab

qainaat@urban-echo.co.uk

It’s February and it’s the infamous month of Valentine’s Day.

Every year we see the capitalist notion where hundreds of red hearted balloons and red roses fill up the shop shelves. Valentine’s Day is nothing but a capitalist con and another way to make singletons feel left out.

couple-rezsizedI find it odd how some of my friends get so caught up on the idea of being alone on Valentine’s Day. In reality, it’s just another day. But listening to their conversation, I couldn’t help but find their plans hilarious and outlandish. Therefore I have decided to share them with you.

My friends came up with a plan called ‘What every girl should do on Valentine’s Day’. Be prepared as no doubt, you will find some of their ideas bizarre and funny.

Firstly, forget about secret Santa, how about a secret Valentine? It might be a little clichéd but you can get a little gift and no one will be complaining.

valentines-day-wallpaperSecondly, every group of single girl’s need a movie night in. As my friends suggested, do it Bridget Jones style.

Thirdly, go out and wine and dine in style with your friends. If you are on a tight budget, call all your friends over and have a one dish party. It’s a great way of catching up too.

The fourth idea came from the hit comedy series Friends. As ridiculous as it sounded to my ears, it might be a great thing to do for a laugh. So, why not have a cleansing ritual? Burn and leave all the negativity behind you to allow new and positive things to come into your life.

Last but not least, forget a romantic weekend break for two. Why not adventure and explore away with your friends and have a girl’s trip away for the weekend. I can guarantee you some of your best memories will come from that

Some of you may find it humorous and some may pick up some great ideas. Whichever one it is we’d love to hear from you.

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by Ranting Roger

What is it about personal hygiene that really (pardon the pun) gets up my nose? And exactly why do some people smell (rank) when there’s enough soap, water and deodorants in the UK to bathe the population until extinction. Look people, there’s a Poundland in more or less every major town and city in the country. You can shop and buy cleansing products to your hearts content; all for a pound, or sometimes even less. Wow!

untitledI’ve watched ’embarrassing bodies’ on TV and know that for some unfortunate folk, smelling bad is not their fault. I’ve also seen folk being told, “No, we’ve checked you out and there’s nothing wrong with you at all. The smell that’s attracting attention will no longer attract attention once you’ve gone home and washed your behind”.

Here’s a situation that occurred recently, which will explain what I mean about hygiene problem.

I have a cousin called Vinnie. Not his real name, obviously. I don’t want to give his real name for two reasons. 1; I don’t want to embarrass him or his family and 2; if he thought I was writing about him, he may attempt to get quite aggressive with me in a threatening manner.

Anyway, we were both asked to attend a funeral of a relative and Vinnie asked me if I wanted to accompany him on the two hour journey. Well, it made sense at the time. I wouldn’t have to take my car and seeing as I hadn’t seen him in a while, we’d have the chance to catch up on things. Bigger fool me.

When I opened the passenger door, a stench matched only, I imagine, to cabbages being cooked in a vat of dog faeces after being marinated in Yak urine, violated my senses.

The car reeked of a combination of both foot and body odour that assailed my nostrils. It was foul. It was so bad, I could actually feel my nose trying to rip itself from my face in an attempt to seek sanctuary at the local public toilet. I was nearly sick. Maybe if I had been, it may have improved the air quality of the interior of the car.

As I said, we were going to a funeral, what I didn’t realise was that we were taking the body with us. I am lying of course. There wasn’t a dead body accompanying us in the car, as that would be illegal, but believe me, it smelt as though there was. “Let’s use my car”, I beseeched Vinnie, using the excuse that it would be cheaper in petrol. Absolutely not, he insisted. “My car is far more comfortable”. More comfortable than what, I thought. More comfortable than wearing a skunk as a face mask whilst swimming through raw sewerage?

Two hours later we arrived at the funeral. Apart from the respite my nostrils received when passing the odd farmer muck spreading, I felt as though the scent of death pervaded my whole being. It was as though his feet and armpits had died several months previously and Vinnie just carried them around with him.

Maybe, Vinnie wanted to pay the ultimate homage to our recently departed relative in the only way he knew best and that was by smelling like them.

We all know someone whose hygiene leaves a lot to be desired; whether it be a relative, friend or colleague. And maybe we should tell them. I certainly didn’t. Maybe I should have said to Vinnie, “Excuse me Vinnie, but you smell rancid. When you take your socks off, are they going to run to the washing machine themselves, turn the dial to ‘boil the hell out of me’ and slowly disintegrate in shame”.

I don’t know how to tell someone they stink to high heaven, but I’d like to.

 

OFF THE WALL… PAUL

imagesALB792VDIt’s fast approaching that time of year again. The time of year when we all begin to think of something bad to give up or change in the New Year. There are always a few obvious ones, smoking, drinking, losing weight, etc… Losing Weight!! Yes that’s the one, that’s the subject of this festive rant. Where do I start??

Let’s see if you have a heard a few of these before!

It’s my glands… It’s in my genes… it’s my slow metabolism… I sit at a desk all day!! Err, sorry to burst your bubble but it’s none of the aforementioned. The answer is simple. You eat too much and you don’t move enough!!

For years now, thousands of experts, companies, and governments have tried to convince you it’s not your fault. People have made millions out of new-fangled diets and books and the like. But let’s dismiss all that in a simple mathematical equation shall we?

The average man requires 2500 calories a day to maintain a healthy weight. (I’ll use men as an example as the maths are the same for women, just slightly smaller amounts) 50% of men in the UK eat in excess of 3000. This 500 calories a day excess, adds up to 3500 per week. 3000 calories equates to 1 pound of weight. Eat like this constantly over months and years and surprise surprise – you’ll be a big lad before long!

But not to worry, January is here so let’s join a gym. This is the next big lie! Again let’s do some maths. Let’s take a food product we all know and love. One of the nation’s favourite snacks; a packet of crisps. Calorie content is approximately 150. Just this one pack will mean you need to spend 25 minutes on a treadmill just to burn the little snack away. Answer, don’t eat the crisps! I can’t prove it but I suggest that joining a gym to lose weight for a lot of people is a false economy because they have been to a gym and worked out pretty hard, this then somehow leads them to believe its ok to have a full pizza when they get home. That’s two hours on a treadmill pal!!

So to end this festive rant I need to send out a few home truths!

  1. If you want to lose weight, first and foremost it’s going to require discipline.
  2. It’s going to hurt.
  3. You will feel hungry (only for the first few weeks once you get used to it).
  4. And yes that little snack in the middle of the morning and afternoon does make a difference!

One last thing – There is no such thing as obesity. It’s not a condition like cancer or the flu virus. The one thing you are is FAT! Yes I’ll say it again, F-A-T! I think if more doctors, once they took a good look at a FAT person in their surgery, told them they were FAT, this may shame them somewhat. It’s a bit like not wearing a seat belt or drink driving has become a social stigma.

Being FAT kills! The same as smoking, but we don’t have a FAT tax do we. Having half the population FAT means £Billions of cost to the NHS, we now spend a lot more on Type 2 Diabetes than we do on smoking related conditions and yet we have no government duty on pies do we!

If you are trying to lose weight in 2015, well good luck to you, but the points above are the hard hitting truth. It’s like most things in life. To achieve something in life, there always has to be sacrifices… don’t let anyone tell you any different.

A Happy and slim New Year my friends!

Yours sincerely,

Paul

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